NHL All-Star Fan Balloting

I chose a fantasy hockey team twice in 2008. In the summer, before the regular season began, my then boyfriend and I each picked a hockey pool that we found in the newspaper. He said he'd keep the paper so we'd know how we did at the end of the season. Then he lost the page. I don't remember if I chose Sean Avery, but I probably did because I knew that he liked fashion. I also knew he was a jerk, but I didn't know he was as big a jerk as I now know he is. But I probably would've liked that and voted for him anyway. Being a jerk makes for good gossip, if not good karma.

Anyway, after being alerted to its presence via the Pittsburgh Penguins' facebook fan page, I decided to vote for the NHL All-Star team. The Western Conference was brutally impossible. I think the only players I'd even heard of were Jarome Iginla, Niklas Lidstom and Scott Niedermayer. I picked the players I'd heard of and asked a couple of opinions to choose players in positions where I didn't know anyone. That, or I chose them based on their names. In the end, I've only heard mention of one player on the West's starting line-up.

Choosing the team for the Eastern Conference was as easy as a slut mom at Christmastime! Over the past couple of years, I've watched mostly Penguins games and Canadiens games, therefore I'm familiar with mostly just those two teams. And I love them! Endlessly! Unabashedly (especially the Penguins)! I guess you can do that with sports. I guess that's the point. You pick a team and be faithful to them, through sickness and in health and shit.

I actually surprised myself by not choosing the players solely based on handsomeness! I almost voted twice so I could vote once based entirely on handsomeness , but then I remembered what I hated most about this friggin' contest anyway:

NHL All-Star Fan Balloting is exactly like CANADIAN IDOL!

A bunch of excited little bitches vote a million times for their favourite star and the finalists win not on the basis of their excellence or even on their popularity, but on the collective craziness of their fans. Hence, Montreal steals the most players for the Eastern Conference. Why? Because their fans are the craziest. And Pittsburgh fans? Well, maybe they're bored or something. Do I care? No! The starting line up comprises my two favourite teams! My two favourite Penguins, Evgeni and Sidney! Montreal's Carey Price! I am in heaven! I had the most difficult time choosing between Marc-Andre Fleury and Carey Price! I think in the end, I chose Fleury, but I felt kind of like a dick about it. They are both such adorable and talented little goalies-- how is a girl to choose? *Gasp!*

Anyway, I guess I'll watch the All-Star Game and cheer for my little favourites. It will be exciting to have a blend of my two favourite teams on the ice at the same time. My panties will be wet. If I were in the rink in my hometown, they would probably freeze, despite the fierce heat of my crotch. But I digress....

a Proper Introduction

I used to say I hated sports. I guess I didn't understand them and hated the attention they got from boys. I don't like not understanding things. Sometimes when I don't understand something, I discount it as invalid. While I don't think sports are invalid now, I guess I should admit that I don't understand them. I don't understand why anyone would play sports, watch sports or care about sports other than for purposes of conversation, except when there's a serious competition going on like some sort of play-off.

It's hilarious. during a normal game, I'm like "whatever." and during the play-offs (is this only a hockey term?), it's like "OMG!" I often cry during a play-off game even though I hardly give a shit the rest of the season.*

The only two professional sports I could watch and know what's going on are hockey and baseball. I don't think I've watched a full baseball game since the Blue Jays' heyday. That shit was good. I have a complete set of McDonalds' Blue Jays baseball cards. I used to collect baseball cards. The most valuable card I had was like a Todd Stottlemyre card which was worth like $1.40 in the Beckett magazine in 1992. So basically, I might as well smoke my whole collection.

I've had several favourite sports teams, most of them dictated by my boyfriend at the time's favourite teams. My favourites have included: the Oakland As, the LA Raiders, Montreal Canadians, Toronto Maple Leafs (yeah, I know), Boston Bruins, Pittsburgh Penguins, LA Lakers, Boston Celtics and probably more.

During the past two years, I've had more of an open mind and have had several good friends (always male) with an interest in sports. I was actually fought over to watch Penguins' games. I watched Penguins' games. I fell in love with Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Marc-Andre Fleury, and the Canadiens' Carey Price. People with adorable stories or adorable qualities (like Price) win.

Anyway, when I watch hockey I kind of watch it and still don't notice when there are goals. I guess it's easier to have a fuller understanding of it if you actually have played the game. Like music-- if you were in a band, you'd know when the guitarist fucks up, but the average person might not. I do still try to pay attention when I watch hockey, but I find it excrutiatingly difficult. Sometimes I notice when something important happens, but basically, I'm glad that replays exist. I mean, I'd be happy to watch abridged versions of games. I love watching fights, seeing players mouth swear words at referees, and watch with bated breath to make sure players laying prostrate on the ice aren't too wounded to still play. In short, I watch hockey like a girl.

p.s. i am drunk.

*It could be noted here that I've been known to cry over commercials yet sometimes not when I end a relationship. I have no idea what this says about me.

Shitty shootout. You shot yourselves in the foot.

Pittsburgh at New York, December 3

The Rangers fucking won?
Oh right, the game was in overtime. I hadn't really noticed.

Wait-- What? Malkin and Crosby weren't included in the shootout? You used WHO? Wait, WHO are the two leading scorers in the NHL? I was thinking you might've wanted to use them during this crucial moment. I mean, I know it's not game 7 of the playoffs or anything, but seriously Michel Therrien, did you even wake up this morning? I mean, I know they're not the two most experienced players, and maybe Malkin might choke during such a high--pressure moment, but what have you got to lose? What am I missing?